


Ladies, y'all gotta be picky about what you stick in your hoo-has!

by NaughtyPastryChef, WeWillSpockYou



Series: The Doctor, His Boy and their toys [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Multi, Oh God Yes, Other, Sex Toys, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Humor, Tags Are Hard, bones as teacher, jim is hot for teacher
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-09
Updated: 2014-03-09
Packaged: 2018-01-15 04:39:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1291651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaughtyPastryChef/pseuds/NaughtyPastryChef, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeWillSpockYou/pseuds/WeWillSpockYou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leo got in trouble in one of his classes and is assigned the worst student teacher job at Starfleet Academy; Humanoid Sexuality 101.  It's a good thing he didn't tell Jim about it, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ladies, y'all gotta be picky about what you stick in your hoo-has!

**Author's Note:**

> This written, mostly, via text with wewillspockyou one lonely night. WE laughed our butts off and I sincerely hope y'all do too!

Leonard McCoy was teaching this class as a penance for being smarter than one of his instructors. Both of them knew it, but when Leo had pushed the issue of something he was really passionate about in front of the whole class, the “Doctor” in charge and pulled rank, forcing him into it. He didn’t tell Jim about it for the exact reason that he saw when he slumped into the lecture hall, two minutes before it was supposed to start.

Jim Kirk was sitting in the stands, Gaila at his side, with an awful, gleeful, evil look on his face. Leo braced himself as he set himself up at the podium with his notes. At the appointed time, he flicked the switch that closed the doors to the hall and locked them. He bit the inside of his lip hard enough to bleed, then looked out unseeingly over the faces of his supposed students.

“Class, welcome to Humanoid Sexuality 101.”

He managed to make it though the various sexualities: Trans, hetero, homo, bi, pan and asexual, with a minimum of snickering. These kids were the future of the Federation, not some oversexed teenagers. He glared at the class when it came time to discuss types of sex.

He stopped caring about the snickers and began to try and give them real advice. He didn’t want to see any more of these idiots in the Hospital or, God forbid, medbay once they were on actual ships with real ranks. And then, it all fell apart.

“Ladies, you have to be picky about what you stick in your hoo-has.” He froze and felt a blush creep up his chest, neck and onto his face. His ears were burning. That was not proper medical terminology at all. He looked up over the attentive faces, starting at him. Then he heard it. Jim, laughing so hard that Leo was afraid (hoping) he’d choke.

“Like you’d know anything about that, Bones.” Leo felt his fury rise in the face of Jim’s idiocy. He spoke again, without thinking.

“Hey, kid, I know plenty about sticking things up a girl’s hoo ha!” HE froze again and damned Jim Kirk to the depths of hell. No, that wasn’t even good enough. Lord above, he wasn’t gonna make it to the anal sex portion of the talk.

He blustered on. Time to find a segue from vaginal intercourse to anal intercourse. Time to speed through and end this hell of his own making.

“When you’re with a partner that has a vagina, those are self lubricating. It’s part of nature. But, you make sure that you’ve got your partner all revved up...BEFORE. INSERTING. ANYTHING.” Subtle laughs, but he’s seen what happened when this advice has been ignored; it ain't pretty.

“Boys need revving too old man!” Jim shouts from the back and Leo begins to catalogue the number of evil things he can do to his childish boyfriend to get him back.

“Lube people! Lotsa lube! Proper preparation prevents poor performance! But the real thing folks, don’t go thinkin it’s okay to use what ever happens to be at hand. Peanut butter or shower gel may smell nice, but it’ll give you a hell of a case of crotch crickets. Take your time with this, I can’t say it enough.” Jim moans theatrically from the back of the class and Leo decides that he’s going to kill him nice and slow...

“Good and slow here people! Anytime there is insertions gotta go good and slow. It’s an ass not a bouncy castle.” He blusters on, ignoring everything. He had started out with a plan; an idea that he’d actually try and keep these perverts from hurting themselves. Now he just wants it over.

“Okay, we’ve talked about vaginal and anal intercourse. Time to discuss oral. TEETH! Always beware of teeth. Y’all are people not vampires!” He pauses to catch his breath; this is a mistake.

“Even when I’m sucking your brains out through your cock, Bones? Sounds vampiric to me!” Bones groans and asks the good lord above to make the floor swallow him whole. He tries to collect himself, but it’s a losing battle. All of his thoughts are now centered around Jim’s pretty, cock sucking lips wrapped around him.

Time to start his payback. Who needs privacy for revenge?

“Okay class, any of y’all out there wanna come up here and speak on some technique? James Kirk! You’ve been mighty talkative today, why don’t you come on up here and tell the class how to be a world class cock sucker!”

Bones feels a rush of vindication as Jim blushes and slides into his chair uncomfortably. But then Gaila, beautiful, brilliant Gaila grabs Jim’s arm and shoves him to his feet, telling him to do it. Leo could kiss her.

“I know you know what to do Jim! Go tell them.” She stage whispers.

“Kirk! Kirk! Kirk!” The class is chanting. Leo instantly gives all of the little fuckers A’s. Even when he knows some of them will ignore everything he’s just said all the same and use duck sauce as lube.

Leo crosses his arms over his chest, displaying his biceps to their best advantage (something he knows Jim has a total kink for). He raises an eyebrow as Jim approaches the dais and waits.

“All right Bones, I’m here. Whip it out, doc, and I’ll show everyone how it’s done.” Bones splutters, Jim’s not following the plan! But, a slow smile spreads over his face as he remembers the bag of visual aids hidden under the podium. Jim squints at him suspiciously as he bends over to dig though the bag.

He stands up holding the ultra-realistic, extra large dildo from the bag and turns quickly, accidentally slapping Jim’s cheek with it. The sound is loud in the suddenly silent lecture hall. Bones revels in it.

“Challenge accepted Bones.” Jim takes the toy and, with a lick of his lips and a saucy wink at Bones, swallows it down to the root.

The class gapes even as Leo pulls at the constricting black undershirt to try and get some air. He can see the obscene bulge of Jim’s throat around the head of the toy. Saliva is dripping from Jim’s pouty lips as he works the toy in and out of his mouth. He pops the toy out of his mouth with a wet smack.

“Who’s hungry?” The dildo drips on his shirt and Jim’s lips are red and swollen. Leo edges towards the podium so he can rub his palm against his cock, but he knows that every eye in the room is on him. He wishes for his white lab coat, but his wish isn’t granted.

“So, should I do that a little slower so everyone can take notes?” Jim turns and asks the assembled crowd of voyeurs.

A shaky hand raises from the back of the crown and Jim calls out to its owner. Any thoughts in Leo’s head that he was the one in charge vanish faster than a stripper’s thong. Jim is always in charge. He looks more closely into the crowd and realizes that EVERY single one of his “students” know him and Jim in some way. He decides to push it all to see how long it takes for all of the fuckers to leave the room and give them some privacy. He palms the door control and undoes the lock. With a shaky voice, he calls attention back to himself.

“Now, now Jim. We don’t want the ladies left out, do we? Gaila, honey, can you come on up here?” Gaila is clearly thrilled to be called on. She bounces out of her seat gleefully and every set of eyes in the room can’t help but watch her walk up to the dais.

She’s so exuberant that Leo begins to question his plan. However, she doesn’t disappoint when she reaches Jim and grabs the dildo from him, looking it over before stage whispering to him.

“He’s bigger than this Jim! I saw him naked!” Leo hangs his head and curses Gaila.

“Class dismissed.” Jim whirls on her angrily.

“When the fuck did you see my man naked?” The students, filing out, pause as one and turn back to the drama. Leo gives them all his scariest glare; it only works on a few. The rest are eyeballing Leo like’s he’s dinner.

“It ain't a damn party! Now y’all kids get on outta here.” He yells and waves his arms about before turning to Gaila.

“Gaila darlin, Jim an I have some things to talk about.”

“Yeah a threesome!” He hears and narrows his eyes at the still-assembled crowd. It sounded an awful lot like Christine Chapel and if it was, she gets every case of explosive diarrhea from now till the end of time. The line begins to move again.

“When I saw him naked, Jim, it had nothing to do with that!" Gaila slams her hands onto her hips making her breasts bounce jauntily.

“It had nothing to do with anything like that darlin, I swear it. I promise it.” Leo is near to pleading now due to the look on Jim’s face.

“Bones you are sleeping on the couch until I get some kind of explanation! Gaila, gimme my dildo back! I guess I’m gonna need it!” Jim grabs the dildo and storms out, red faced and fuming. Bones facepalms and slides to the floor.

He’s laughing so hard that his vision is graying around the edges. Gaila stands where she was left, looking from the closed door to Leo laughing and back again. She’s clearly confused. She crouches in front of him.

“Leonard, I do not understand! Why would he be mad that I showed up early to help you get ready for your first date and saw you in the shower? Why are you laughing? Are you not fighting? Is this funny?”

“Gaila, darlin, making up is half the fun.” Leo chokes out against his laughs. “And Jimmy is gonna have a lot of making up to do.”

“Oh.” She says as she sits back onto her heels. “I do like angry sex. I understand this.”

“Don’t worry about us darlin, we'll be just fine. If I know my darlin at all, he’s already back at the dorm putting that dildo to good use!” Leo pauses after he says it, picturing it. His eyes roll back into his head as he groans. Gaila cocks her head to the side, probably picturing the same thing. She gives Leo a smile and a push.

“He will be ready for you, yes?” Leo shoves himself up off the floor, nearly knocking Gaila over in the process.

“Yeah, and mad as a wet hen. Gaila, darlin, you know I love you but I gotta ... gotta go.” Leo rushes off towards he and Jim’s dorm.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone is interested, we could be persuaded into writing a part 2...let us know!!!


End file.
